Write it Down..

To: Insecurity

I could not bring myself to write ..this ..down, because I am afraid of this part of my life: insecurity. If I write it down, I have admitted to it that, I feel insecure. And its something that I have tried to run away from, but I have decided to stay and fight for this little while.

Every time you go out to an unfamiliar place or meet new people, one should feel insecure, but when you visit familiar places and meet with the same people that you have known all your life.. should this feeling of insecurity still remain? When you are alone but seemingly safe in your room at home or at work, should there be a sense of insecurity at all? Still trying to look for somewhere to feel safe, but it doesn't seem to be anywhere near this place.

I have always hated this feeling, it lingers in my heart causing it to be dark as the eerie night and poisons my mind with thoughts of deceit that I can never trust anyone, even myself. At times you can ignore it, and continue to live out your life because of the providance of security offered by those close to me. It is when you are alone or even when you are surrounded by people, it is this feeling of separation or not being able to connect to the world. When you realise it, you can overcome it by fleeing from it, far from it and return home where it is safe and sound. However, I am most afraid of the times when I am lost in it, when I walk around in endless circles, and there doesn't seem to be any hope in finding the will to keep going.

That is when I ask, "What do you want from me?" And I would hope for an end to it all because there would be no answer in the pitch black darkness, only a cold whispering that causes your spine to tremble, your skin to itch, and your body to shiver. But there was this small light, this little fire that still burned in the distance, and if I could take a step closer to it, it would be enough to keep me going.

Then there would be a familiar book that appeared along the way, and to the question I just asked before, there was the answer in bold print. I know I have read it before but I had forgot, and out of my self-righteousness and despise of myself, I directed the question to the wrong person. All You want.. all You want is for me to love You.

It doesn't matter where you are, but be still and quiet. And to be still and quiet doesn't mean to be timid and insecure. One day, those bystanders in our lives can tell us things that pierce our hearts, and setback our minds or even our lives, in just a little moment, with only a few words or deed. But all that He wants from us is to trust in Him, confide in Him and hope to return home where it is safe. Next time I ask, "What do you want from me?".. I had better ask the right person but rather, I should think it over and remain silent.